For the moment, parenthood is actually quite boring

Jul 5, 2019 | NOT SO SECRET me

To be honest, I’m kind of disappointed with being a father.

For several years I wanted to “experience being blessed with a child” but, truth being told, is not as interesting as they advertise it. At least the first week it isn’t.

Being a father is like walking into an art exhibition that only has one painting. You’re there, looking at the baby sleeping… a lot of hours… and that’s about it! I hope you’ve enjoyed it!

 

 ……….

 

The whole experience of Emma’s arrival was delicately surreal.

 

THE HOURS BEFORE

Actually, it started the night before. For someone who has been listening, for the last few months, the typical jokes like “enjoy your sleep for now, because that’s going to end soon”, to have slept only 2h was not the best first parental decision I’ve made. In my defense, it was impossible for me to sleep. I spent the whole night wondering who the hell had the fantastic idea of putting me responsible for a baby’s life? It has “Patrícia” written all over it…

 

PREPARATION

Well, in the morning we went to the hospital and, I gotta say it right away, when it’s scheduled in advance, that excitement from “It’s now. It’s coming. Let’s go!”, is kind of replaced by thoughts that wouldn’t normally cross my mind, like “at what time should I get up to go and have a baby without getting stuck in morning traffic?”, or “what is the nearest and cheapest parking?”

Getting there, we headed to the reception – pretty much like checking in at the hotel – and someone came to pick us up and lead us to the bedroom.

When the time came, they took mommy in a comfy bed with wheels. Daddy walked, like he doesn’t even mean anything… whatever…

They sent me to get dressed so I could attend the birth and then asked me to wait in the corridor.

Rigorously equipped, with a certain Grey’s Anatomy look, behind a yellow line where I was told to wait, an important question popped into my head: “what side of the mask should I face my mouth ?!”

After several minutes wondering about that – that felt like ages – someone said “Dad can come in now!”. I put the mask randomly, as I do most things.

 

THE BIRTH

When I got in the LDR room, a nice gentleman (at least in appearance) told me straight away: “Dad is gonna sit here, one leg here, the other one through here, your left hand will hold mama’s hand, the right hand – I don’t wanna see it. Now, do not move from there!”
And there I was, like a statue, could only move my eyes. So I looked at Patrícia tenderly, and realized she was completely high, like I have never seen her before! So bad that the doctors pushed and pulled and, at some point, she asked: “Do you think they have already started?”.
I remember thinking: “Well, she’s not in any pain. That’s for sure!”
Eventually, I was saying something to Patrícia 4 inches from her face – since I was still terrified of the “nice” gentleman – and I heard one of the doctors saying “Well, hello. Good morning. Welcome!”. I told Patrícia: “Listen, I think another doctor just came into the room.”
It was only when I heard Emma crying that I realized that my parental instinct was not yet developed.
They showed us the baby and a nurse said: “The father will come with me now and must not look behind at mommy, ok?”. Yeah, like there’s any chance I want to see Patrícia’s inner beauty.

 ……….

 

From that moment on, it has been pretty boring. She sleeps, we look at her. She moves a finger, we go “hey, she moved a finger”…
That’s it! It’s like visiting an art exhibition that has only one painting in the center of the room and to which you have to look for several straight hours… the whole day… forever!
And everytime no one’s looking, someone from the exhibition center comes to remind you that “Nobody’s looking at the painting. The painting cannot just stand there with nobody looking at it.”.
Yeah, right! We don’t want her to get bored by sleeping all day with nobody looking, do we?!
Oh, and we do the cleaning of the painting as well.
“Has the painting been cleaned already? Who cleans the dust from this painting?”

 

Well, being a father it’s pretty much this. Having a painting in the house at which you have to look 24/7!
If you’re looking for some excitement in your lives, don’t have a kid. I don’t know, play soccer instead. It’s much more fun.

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